You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
