***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
