You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
where are you?
Hypothermia
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Randomize
