As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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