your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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