SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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