i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
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You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
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I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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