the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
