the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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