After last night, I could never be a politician.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I will pee on everything he values.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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