the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
We need to get me chipped asap
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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