what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
only you would photoshop your dick
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
