There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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