just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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