There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
