just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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