standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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