if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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