Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
