It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
