walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
