A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
