so explain again why im purple
no
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
