when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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