if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
