Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
