She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
