if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
you inspire me to be a worse person
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
