I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
