I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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