I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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