I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
