Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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