TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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