Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
only you would photoshop your dick
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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