I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
