i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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