Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
you will always have a special place in my vag
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
