I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
