I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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