After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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