When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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