i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
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Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
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I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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