Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Pants are for mortals
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
