so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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