I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
