She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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