Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm too high and old for this...
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
