Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
