a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
