Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
