last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
