I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Randomize
