Having a random hookup so left but love u
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
