I looked at my own cervix.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
