I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
