He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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