My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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