i dedicated my morning wood to you.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
