I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
