I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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