my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
