Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
