they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
