youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
