You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Randomize
